What’s Nordstrom up to these days?

Don’t get me wrong. I like shopping at Nordstrom and The Rack as much as the next woman who’s looking to fill that hole in her soul with a new pair of jeans, cute little booties, and a cashmere sweater. I’m in.

But there’s apparently a segment of Nordstrom buyers who have lost their GD minds. My husband says his family is afflicted with the curse of the “Coffin Compromise” – that’s when you pay far too much money for something that’s really a piece of crap.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Exhibit A – I’ve been mauled by a puma

These are called “chewed-hem” jeans. In Nordstrom’s own words, which are intended to promote these jeans for sale:

The distressing on these slouchy nonstretch jeans suggests something with large teeth has mauled the hems.

How is this a selling point for any piece of clothing?? Wear these jeans and you’ll look like you’ve been attacked by a wild animal! Is that the fashion statement most gals want to make? I spent $540 on these jeans, just had my hair and nails done, and I look like I’ve been attacked by a puma!

There’s a shorts version too, that is also “off-kilter”:

Again, in Nordstrom’s own words:

A deconstructed, asymmetrical front delivers a cool off-kilter vibe to fiercely slashed and shredded nonstretch-denim shorts.

I looked up “off-kilter” in the dictionary. It means “somewhat ill; not completely well”. Which you would be, if a puma just attacked you and your shorts. And you paid $531 for them and they don’t even button up straight. (Aside: Why are the shorts the same price as the jeans – shouldn’t shorts for obvious reasons be cheaper that full-length jeans?)

Are real women actually buying these jeans??

Exhibit B – “We meant to do this”

This “off-kilter” thing seems to be a trend now:

According to Nordstrom, it’s a “new slant” (guffaw) on skinny jeans, with an asymmetrical front closure. Or a factory error that’s been turned into a marketing opportunity. Only $414.

Speaking of factory errors:

In Nordstrom’s words, this denim jacket has more “off-kilter styling” with a “misaligned placket” and “mussed wing collar”. Isn’t this code for, we really screwed up, but now we’re saying “I totally meant to do that“, and now it’s $1400?

Exhibit C – Make up your mind

If choosing the colour of your jeans in the morning is the hardest decision you have to make all day, you need to get a job like mine.

These are “bicolour” jeans. Black jeans are great. White jeans are cool. Pick a team. Make a decision.

I initially looked at these jeans and thought, OK, kinda cute, pretty normal, but why $2K?

And then I realized – they are “pieced together” jeans:

I mean, are they horrifically awful? I wouldn’t say so. No animal has gnawed them, so that’s a plus. But I’m not digging them. Pick a team: blue or black.

And then there’s this multi-colour atrocity:

These are panelled wide-leg jeans that give you “an artsy reconstructed look”.

No, they are clown jeans.

Exhibit D – “I’ve got too much money and bad taste to boot”

  

Tulle & denim mermaid skirt. Also off-kilter, as you will see. Only $2175.

I am speechless. There are no adjectives.

And along the same lines – by the same designer – and only $3600, this denim jacquard tulle dress:

And somehow the back works two different ways (trying to figure this out):

 

Not only is it ugly as hell, but it’s unflattering. The top is about as stylish as a hospital gown. The bottom is a schizophrenic hot mess.

Nordstrom Actually Has Pretty Denim!

On the bright side, to show that I’m fair-minded, Nordstrom’s denim offerings include some pieces that I can totally get behind. I couldn’t possibly wear them, but I get why someone who’s sane and stylish would:

Super cute Ralph Lauren denim dress. $560.

Ditto this zebra-print Calvin Klein A-line. My law partner MJ would rock this. She’s sane, stylish, and super conservative. She would never pay $1400 for a dress (nor would I), but this would look great on her.

I had a jean skirt very like this in undergrad and wore the hell out of it. $440. I wish the model was wearing cute booties with the skirt – and a cashmere sweater:

Sold!

Nordstrom: The horror

Another instalment of Horrible & Expensive Jeans, courtesy of Nordstrom.

My friend Janet was on Twitter about these jeans a couple weeks ago. In addition to being droopy & unsightly (and apparently pre-worn & dirty), they are Cdn$756. I think even Giselle Bundchen would look unattractive in them.

 

So I thought I’d peruse the Nordstrom site and see what other horrors are on offer:

These are called jeans with “side panels”. They retail at Cdn$1200. And come with a free trip to the Emergency Department (at least in Canada, where emergency health care is free). I think they would really work with the camel-toed shoes from yesterday.

“Snow imitation pearl-embellished”. For only Cdn$1500. They are supposed to look like you were caught in a snow storm. Or in a paint ball game that uses sticky pom-poms and pearls.

“Oversized pocket jeans” – with handy pockets on the calves. Because that’s how I like to carry my keys around – as close to my ankles as possible. Bargain priced at Cdn$1300.

And I’m debating which is more awful:  the “hem flare” jeans or  the “frill flare” jeans. I think the see-through hem flare wins. (Although the frill flare is more expensive.) I also think they really don’t work with sneakers. I also don’t understand what Ms Frill Flare is wearing on her feet. It looks like a turquoise bathroom brush duct-taped onto her foot.

But to redeem Nordstrom a teeny bit, I think these jeans would be pretty amazing on the right (very tall skinny) person:

Although they are Cdn$900+, which is about $800 – $850 more than I pay for my jeans @ Reitmans or The Gap.

 

 

 

 

 

The fashion insanity continues

Apparently these are real. My law firm’s Gal Friday, Franca, took a picture of them last week. They are “camel-toed” shoes.

They were in Specchio’s window. According to an internet search, they also come in flats:

That’s attractive.

Specchio is a ridiculous shoe store on Bay Street, a stone’s throw from my office, where you may find a decent pair of boots amongst displays of $1200 sneakers that are irrationally ugly.

I walked by Specchio’s window later this week and didn’t see the camel-toed monstrosities. I’m hoping they were removed after complaints from passers-by; I fear they were sold.

The Winter’s Tale

Ballet buddy Barb and I went to see The National Ballet of Canada’s production of The Winter’s Tale on Wednesday night. Although we were both English lit majors in the day, and read our more than fair share of Shakespeare, we knew absolutely zip about this play.

I wasn’t particularly psyched to go. The posters for the ballet were pretty monochrome and blah (sorry NBOC, but I was uninspired):

And I knew it was a long ballet – 2 1/2 hours with intermissions. I was tired, work was tedious and overwhelming; it seemed like a bit of an imposition to go. I trudged along to the Four Seasons with low expectations and low energy.

Hold the phone. It was beyond fabulous and invigorating, and I haven’t stopped talking about it since.

I can’t decide what I loved best about this ballet:

  • the choreography, a perfect meld of traditional and modern
  • the performances – esp. Piotr Stanczyk, whose descent into jealous madness is told on his face and through his off-balance contortions throughout (he’s a gifted actor as well)
  • the score by Joby Talbot
  • the exuberant (I think I stole that word from the NBOC programme) second Act – I need that music and those images on a loop in my brain from November 1 to Feb 28, every dreary winter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS1cUOVpxyQ

  • the scenery and silk staging for the violent seas
  • Jamie Street’s awesome death as Mamillius (that kid can die like nobody’s business)
  • plus let’s not forget the gorgeous costumes – it is not a monochrome ballet at all – the jewel tones in Act 1 were awesome

The TO Star loved it also (4 stars/4 stars):

https://www.thestar.com/entertainment/stage/2017/11/11/the-winters-tale-strips-away-the-fat-to-reveal-nuanced-emotional-themes-of-jealousy-love-and-redemption.html

If you can manage to go (only 3 performances left), please do.  Clearly Shakespeare could not make up his mind whether this was a comedy or a tragedy, so he threw it all in, plus the kitchen sink. And Christopher Wheeldon’s ballet tells the great mess of a story, emotionally, with precision and remarkable beauty.

https://national.ballet.ca/Productions/2017-18-Season/The-Winters-Tale?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8L-To5zI1wIV3rfACh1-DQO0EAAYASAAEgLeY_D_BwE

Streetcar doesn’t work as a ballet

Ballet buddy Barb and I went to see the National Ballet of Canada’s premiere of Streetcar Named Desire, with book club mate Helen.

Now, Barb and I are both English Lit grads (and Barb has her MA and wrote her thesis about Tennessee Williams), so we feel we are pretty well-positioned to judge a Tennessee Williams’ adaptation.

And I get that Neumeier’s ballet isn’t a strict adaptation of the play. That would be impossible. It’s his take on the themes and characters, translated to dance.

I just didn’t think it worked. The ballet is pretty much a glimpse into Blanche Dubois’ tortured mind. It’s flashbacks and feelings, very haunting and ethereal (esp. Act I). But that results in a narrative and plot that are both weak. And with the canned music (why no live orchestra? I now realize the live orchestra is about 49% of what I love about ballet), it was flimsy, fluttering and slow to progress. I felt many of the dance pieces dragged. (Although the raunchy sex scene between Stanley and Stella at the beginning of Act II was very hot. Mature content, indeed, the posters at the entrance door warned.)

Barb’s take is that the play is just too complex to translate into ballet. Maybe that’s it. Or, this particular ballet translated a brilliant play into a mediocre and diluted dance.

I don’t think popular opinion agrees with me, but I gotta call them as I see them.

Nevertheless, bravo to NBC for tackling it. And I was delighted to see that the Four Seasons was pretty much sold out for this performance.

Hubby’s blog

Check it out. Makes mine look like it was scrapbooked by a second grader.

https://theneedlefish.com/

Possibly my favourite post so far (I even tweeted about it):

https://theneedlefish.com/2017/05/27/my-bro-said-the-best-line-ever/

Please read if you need a laugh.

And his views on politics are always a good read:

https://theneedlefish.com/2017/05/17/sally-yates-is-my-hero/

https://theneedlefish.com/2017/05/27/an-idiot-abroad/

 

Go Fug Yourself Girls also believe clear jeans are insane

Clear jeans are just wrong.

I’m not really sure which are worse – the entirely clear jeans, or the clear knee jeans. Obviously the clear jeans are absurd (or dumb, as GFY says), and anyone who wears them is beyond salvation.

But … there may be some people who think the clear knee jeans are bordering on wear-able.  And they aren’t. That may be even worse.

http://www.gofugyourself.com/a-brief-break-to-talk-to-you-about-these-incredibly-dumb-pants-from-topshop-04-2017