Here’s the thing. I love a nice pair of boots. Fall, winter, spring – it’s boots boots boots. I resent summer because I can’t wear boots. (Actually, I think you can get away with a little ankle boot during cooler summer days, right?)
I have worn the crap out of my favourite pair of Browns boots. My friend Brenda had them in black, and I was obsessed. I tried not be an entire copycat and got them in brown. And, then 3 weeks later, I got them in black too – because they are perfect! They are just like Doc Martens, but with a zipper. A zipper! The brown boots got thrown in the garbage this spring after 3 good long years of service … maybe 4. They were scratched to shit and unsalvageable. The black ones have been worn far less:
It’s a matter of taste, sure, but to me these are the perfect every day boots. Solid, good heel, stylish. Dr. Sid, my chiropractor, commented on them. They’re cool and comfy.
Got an email from Browns today notifying me about a huge sale. OK, I’m game. I still hold out hope for my ideal sorta Doc-Martens-with-a-zipper. Nope. These (called Camilla) are pretty close (there IS a zipper), and they are on sale for $230:
Sadly they don’t come in brown. And the heel may be a smidge too high for me – the pandemic killed many things for me: daily showers, hard pants, and wearing almost any kind of a heel .
Camilla is the rarity on the Browns sale website – meaning a boot I could actually imagine buying. Instead, the majority of boots are absolutely hideous. Browns has apparently made a conscious decision to forego cute boots, and instead sell some of the ugliest boots anyone has ever imagined. Case in point:
I just do NOT get these boots. Why do you want a jeans pant leg over your denim boots? Like, obviously you can’t wear them with jeans. You can only wear them with a dress/skirt. And the reason you wear a dress/skirt is NOT to wear pants, right?
The website shows a model wearing them:
Even she looks skeptical, right? I googled, and I can’t find a picture of anyone actually wearing these boots in real life. The closest I could find was JLo and these so-called Versace ‘pantaboots’:
If JLo can’t pull them off – and I submit this looks ridiculous – then no ordinary mortal can. Anyways, they are on sale from $400 to $250, if you want to be the first to buy them.
They come in different materials, too:
Every time I go into Browns these days, all I see are huge ugly sneaker/boots like this, with an unsightly thick wedge heel:
These ones are relatively restrained. Most of them have spikes and sequins and crystals, all bedazzled like David Rose got his hands on them in Grade 8.
I clearly like a combat boot – but why do we need these “maximalist” combat boots with chains, studded belts and a “patterned bandana”:
They’d be okay if the designer just picked one.
Then there’s a trend I call dominatrix boots, like this abomination that the website describes as “fashion forward and zany”:
Yeah, those look profoundly silly and … uncomfortable.
I give credit to Browns that they didn’t even include a “zany” or any other kind of description for these boots (they were literally speechless):
This boot is called an “industrial powerhouse” and – in case you were interested – is NOT on sale. So $950 full price:
I recently went to a client meeting where an academic gave a paper on the topic of vicarious trauma. It was insightful. It was, however, hard to take her seriously wearing mega boots like these:
These have a “deep arch” and “appropriately high heel”. Hmmm. Maybe the speaker needed them to see over the podium.
I would say 75% of the boots are pretty hideous/unwearable. Browns, WTF?
I’m starting to question my sanity, because a few of them are appealing to me:
But they aren’t on sale …